A pizza delivery girl at the end of her financial rope has to fight for her life – and her tips – when her last order of the night turns out to be high society Satanists in need of a virgin sacrifice.

When gullible 22 year old virgin (trust me, all of those descriptors play an important part in the film) Sam (Hayley Griffith) takes on a gig delivering pizzas to make ends meet, she quickly discovers that it’s not going to be as easy as she’d anticipated. Her pizza joint gets a call from the bougies part of town, and when no one else will take it. Sam steps up, hoping a big order will mean a big tip. However, instead of leaving with spending cash she finds herself in the middle of a Satanic black mass meant to solidify the wealth of this community populated by old money aristocrats led by the ultra prim Danica (Rebecca Romain).

Short one virgin for their sacrifice to the lord of darkness, Danica and her coven of wealthy halfwits trap Sam to use as an offering. But she’s squirrely, and goes on the run, meeting up with several useful insiders along the way, including Danica’s recently deflowered daughter Judi (Ruby Modine, Happy Death Day), who’s recent tryst with a neighborhood boy is the reason Sam is on the run. Shenanigans ensue, and it’s up to Ruby and Sam to outrun and outwit the uber-wealthy devil worshipers, or end up as fodder for the slaughter in the name of continued wealth and unfettered opulence.

Now, before I get too much further into the film, it’s worth noting that Satanic Panic, the debut feature from director Chelsea Stardust, was produced by the Fangoria Presents imprint, a kind of resurrection of the old Fangoria films that lined video store shelves starting back in the early ’90s. Those films were largely filler for a voracious rental business that almost never made any kind of lasting impact with genre audiences. Satanic Panic fits right in with those mostly forgettable low budget features as yet another film that would’ve gone direct to video twenty years ago.

Boasting a “story by” credit from Mohawk co-writers Ted Geoghegan and Grady Hendrix and a screenplay credit by the latter, I had moderately high hopes that this could be a clever take down of the “we sold our souls to the devil” satire. Brian Yuzna’s Society tackled similar material back in the ’80s and there have been numerous films suggesting a supernatural link between crossroads bargains and financial success, but this film is just so clunky and poorly executed, and it’s hard to believe the two above mentioned talents had anything to do with the final product.

It will be released in the United States on September 6, 2019

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.